Originally Posted by
Victoria74 
Correy, what made you come to that realization? I think it is the same for me. And I hate it.
Just before my relapse (I'm on my sober day #46 now) I had a very difficult outcome of a year filled with immense amount of work and new and seemingly real love. The guy I was working with screwed me for money and my girlfriend left me because I'm poor and that outcome with a business venture rendered my situation too precarious for her to share.
So I resented her and hated him.
Than, after an extensive analysis of their respective behavior I said to myself, OK - screw them, nothing more to ponder, let me evaluate myself and my own behavior.
And what I've "discovered"? While I can honestly say I did nothing wrong business wise and relationship wise, I used six (6) opportunities when I was alone to get drunk. So I had 27 days sober, 55 days sober, 35 days sober, stuff like that - I never exposed her to my drinking or my hungover and I never failed in any business task I had, but I realized that I was, in fact, full of it!!
They both knew my alcoholic past and they both knew I do not drink anymore. While I wasn't lying to her about those six episodes I did not disclose them to him. The outcome described, I used as an excuse to "relapse" and drink as hell, may have been partially influenced by my emotional states, the same I honestly, seriously wasn't able to detect and / or recognize (even now).
But, the bottom line is - I realized my pattern of "relapsing" as one fat, big lie. I never REALLY quit so I could say I "relapsed", nope, I was just taking long pauses, believing I can drink from time to time.
Well, I can't.