MamalovesJack13

Hi! I'm new here. I'm definitely an alcoholic and it's sort of ruining my life right now.

A little backstory. My father is a raging alcoholic. He has been his whole life. At an early age I recognized that he was an alcoholic. He was always drinking. My parents were divorced when I was young so I only saw him four days out of the month and we always had a great time with him as a kid, but as I got a little older and in high school I started to resent him. I didn't see him much and I knew he was always drunk or high. He tried to "kill" himself a couple of times but really he was being a belligerent ass trying to get attention. As I got a little older, late teens maybe, I just accepted my father for who he was. At that point in his life he wasn't going to change. He did AA. I think he was even sober for five years at one point. But he always went back. At this point he needs alcohol to survive. When he's not drinking his blood gets too thick and he has mini heart attacks. I never wanted to be like him.

Up until after I had my second child, when I was almost 24, I never even enjoyed drinking. I was a pothead for several years and that have me a sufficient high. But it always made me paranoid and anxious. As I've gotten older and with my kids around unjust couldn't handle the anxiousness that came with it and it is actually no longer a part if my life, something I never thought would happen. For a while I thought I may always be a pothead. But at some point, at a particularly emotional, angry part in my life, I began shooting liquor. It felt so good to be drunk. That combined with not getting hangovers made for a bad habit. I liked it hard and fast. Fortunately, I suppose, I got pregnant with my third child and quit drinking. But as soon as I gave birth I wanted a good drunk high. My drinking escalated even more and I was easily going through a fifth and a half a week. My husband was angry at me. I was a huge angry bitch. I was depressed and every day. Every day I waited as night rolled around because that meant it was time to drink. I only drink at night. Then, almost like clockwork I got pregnant with our fourth, and final, child. I gave birth to her over four months ago. I'd like to say I stopped drinking, but I didn't. It wasn't everyday and but still too much. I was worried she would come out deformed or have FAS. Thankfully she is a healthy, beautiful strong baby. She is glorious! She is a bright light in a day that is full if whining, crying, pushing and shoving amongst the other kids.

And this is where I am now. I obviously picked up my drinking habit almost immediately. It was a little slower since I was breastfeeding for longer than usual. But now I'm going on drinking every night for the last nine days. I guess it doesn't seem like a lot, but every day I wake up and say tonight I'm not going to drink, which is mostly a lie if I know I have some Jack left. Then I'll just finish it off and say I'm not going to buy anymore. But if my husband is preoccupied, which he usually is, and the kids aren't paying attention I'll slip out and buy some more. And the problem is now I'm getting really depressed and angry. And I hate being irritable and angry at my kids.

Here's some more background information, some of it pretty ironic. My husband just graduated medical school. He's an OB/Gyn and in his first year if residency. Which means I'm alone with only my kids a lot. I don't have any friends because we just moved here. So it really is me and the kids all day, every day. I go to the gym and that helps break up the day, but there is very little adult interaction. Before my husband graduated he got arrested for a public intoxication and a possession charge. It literally was the last time he was gonna smoke since he was in the Air Force medical corps. He wouldn't be able to later on. It was a bachelor party. He was pregaming with Crown on the way there. My husband is not an alcoholic like me. He has a history of binge drinking, but could easily have just a little and be content in most so in most social situations, unlike me. So he gets arrested and morality got the best of him and he told his school. Long story short he now has to go to 3 AA meetings a week. One other meeting for health professionals only once a week for what takes two hours. He has a doctor AA meeting to go to once every three months. And a therapy session once a month. Also, he has to check in with an addiction therapist once every three months too. Where does this leave me? More alone and always bending to his schedule.

So I feel like I'm drowning. Or maybe treading water struggling to stay afloat. I'm lonely. I don't have any other escape outside of alcohol. It relaxes me at that particular time at least. It makes me feel sexy. One of the main reasons I don't want to ever completely give it up is that I love to have sex when I'm drunk. But I wake up pissy and angry. I'm raging too much. I can't handle the kids all day. I have no help from family (they're all 800 miles away) and my husband works 80 hours a week. If he's not working he's at a meeting now. If he's not he's playing poker online. He doesn't gamble real money. He's trying to make something from nothing. But he spends hours and hours playing. In which time I drink and take care of the kids some more. I'm seeing a psychotherapist because we have good insurance through the hospital he works at. I'm going today, but what do you know, I've gotta cut my visit short because he has to be at his meeting tonight. I just don't matter. I'm just here serving everyone else's needs. This is why I drink. I drink for me.

P.S sorry for the book. It feels god getting it out though.