No relief in sight...
Hi SR, I am new to this site with 6 months sober (second bout of sobriety, first time with following AA lifestyle tho), I am an alcoholic and a love addict. I am 31 years old, have a wonderful husband who supports me in every way with my recovery, I have a sponsor, a sober network of friends, and meetings I attend about 3-4 times a week. And I just quit smoking 15 days ago. I get on my knees twice a day and ask God to guide my thoughts and actions, and to please help me find some relief. I ask him to make me a better wife, and to help another alcoholic that day. I have been faking it till I make with the higher power connection, as its a new concept to me.. to not be in control of my own life. But i'm willing to try anything!
I am struggling however...
When I was drinking in the past I realize that I was drowning my emotions, and just covering my emotions with alcohol...(except anger, that one always came out) I am a horse back rider, i own my horse, and used to take 1-2 lessons a week and ride 5 days a week. Now that I am sober, I can't ride. I can't do ANYTHING right with riding, or with the horse. I cry most times that I try and ride w/o an instructor telling me what to do. Or even with an instructor... it doesn't seem to matter. I have lost ALL confidence in myself. This used to be the ONLY place in the world that was safe for me, that the problems of the world would go away... And now its tainted. If anyone can understand what I'm talking about, and has any advice, I am willing to listen.
Recovery is making me face all the emotions i've drowned for the last 11 years... and I hate it right now. I love how it has positively affected other areas of my life (relationship with my husband, given me back my confidence, understanding my addictions), but the one thing that used to make me happiest, is making me miserable... and I feel like i'm beating my head against a brick wall, trying to make it better.
help!
thank you in advance