So here I am, 10 months sober and counting.
I'm not sure I like it or if this is even a good idea. No, I am not kidding.
I had this idea (obviously WRONG) that if I stopped drinking that would be the key to changing everything in my life that needed to be changed, starting with my weight and my loneliness/social isolation. I figured that by this time I would have dropped most of the 55 pounds I needed to lose (that doesn't get me to thin or even AVERAGE weight, BTW) and at least be starting to date.
I figured I'd feel a lot better about my life and have lots more good, happy days.
I thought I might even have more money because drinking costs money. Lots of people who quit after years of addictive drinking say they have money once they are sober.
None of this happened for me. I have the SAME LIFE sober that I did while I was drinking. The only difference is that I hate it a lot more and I don't have any means of escape from the pain of it because I don't allow myself to drink.
I lost about 10 pounds once I quit drinking and added what, for me, is a pretty big chunk of cardiovascular exercise into my daily routine. I haven't lost any more. Part of the problem is that now that I don't drink I seem to be ravenous in the evening and often eat quite a lot. My head hurts a lot and I feel like crap a lot. I'm angry a lot. It's possible that I am angrier now than I was while drinking. I got a speeding ticket today. Go figure. 17 years of binge drinking like a lush from hell and I never so much as got a ticket, let alone a DUI. Now I am sober and of course I am speeding down a surface street to get to work. And yes, I really DID deserve the ticket. I have been speeding on that road on a daily basis.
There is nothing wrong with me physically. I was worried that chugging all that vodka for years and years would have done something to my body, so after 6 months I went for a physical. My bloodwork was perfect. Awesome, actually. Yes, I had liver and kidney panels. A few other things too. For good measure I took a health insurance related exam at work too. I scored perfect there and so I am getting a cut rate on my insurance next year.
So I don't know if I like this very much. It's not as if I haven't been working AT my life either. It's not like I am sitting here on my ass waiting for being sober to work its magic. But I don't want to work harder, HARDER,
HARDER for a little tiny result or no result at all except that my life gets more difficult.
When I was drinking, at least I didn't mind so much. It didn't hurt and anger me as much as it does now. It didn't feel so unfair. What I mostly feel like right now is a useless 53 year old woman who's only going to get more useless and uninteresting as time goes by. Who CARES what I do? No one. So why make the effort?
I still haven't taken a drink but I frequently feel as if I am just hanging on by a thread.
I'd be grateful for any NON-AA type responses anyone has to the above pity party.
P.S. I wouldn't whine so much except this is exactly what's going on.
