Wisconsin

My short answer is that YES, ABSOLUTELY your past is relevant to the choices you make today. My first marriage was to a man who was generally kind and loving, but who was totally incapable of taking care of himself. He had been so sheltered by his parents (and lived at home until he was 28) that he developed no coping skills. He was not an addict, but I was definitely in the controlling caretaker role. Ultimately I left because I came to understand that I did not love him the way spouses should love each other, and I didn't respect him very much. I just didn't want to have that kind of a marriage. The divorce was difficult and painful. But it was NOTHING like the heartache and trauma that has come with separating myself emotionally from my AH, who I DO love very deeply, and with whom I had a wonderful, loving relationship before he relapsed.

I'm quite sure, though, that my experience being married to someone who was more like my child than my partner left me STARVING for a passionate marriage with an equal partner. I had it for awhile, but it's been gone for over three years. I'm also sure that being starved for that kind of a partnership for so long left me willing to put up with a lot more crap from my AH than I would have otherwise, just on the hope that someday we would get that partnership back.

And Amy...this is soooo true. For years I would complain to my AH about his drinking, and he would often reply that his drinking wasn't our problem. He, of course, was minimizing his drinking and trying to convince me he isn't an A. But the underlying fact of his statement was (and is) true. His drinking, in and of itself, isn't our problem. One of our problems (and the problem that has destroyed our marriage) is the way he treats me--the horrible emotional abuse. I believe his addiction has contributed to that dynamic, but it is not the addiction that is pushing me out the door. It's the abuse.