jessicajoe

I know before I start typing this it will be a bit of a ramble but I really want to get it out there.

Before I met my A I was married for 18 years to a man who wasn't an A but was, well, a bully. If you had asked me at the time if it was an abusive relationship I would have said no. I came to learn afterwards it had been. He never actually raised his hands (although he did throw things at walls and occasionally at me) but he made me feel small every single day. I worked but he controlled all the money and I was given a tiny "housekeeping" budget. One time I found a condom in my car and another time a pink cigarette lighter. He talked his way out of that. Everything for all these years was about him and what he needed and wanted. I'm almost crying here remembering a time he came home and screamed terrible names at me because he was hungry and I had eaten the last slice of bread or another time when we were poor with a young family and he did a big piece of work for a dentist in exchange for getting cosmetic work done to his teeth when we hardly had food in the house.
When he eventually walked out he left me with two children, no job, and I didn't have the next months rent.
I begged him to come home for a year. At one point I became involved with DV and slowly slowly learned It had been an abusive relationship.
For the next couple of years I dated here and there but my life was all about me. I got a great job, lost weight, and got to a really healthy place for me and my kids.
Then I met my A
He was/is the opposite of my XH. He is kind and considerate and funny and charming and an alcoholic. He asks nothing of me except that I tolerate his drinking (As I type this I think "that's not really honest" He can be moody and grumpy and hungover. He can quack with the best of them. He would happily be penniless and never give any thought to the future.) But he is chalk and cheese with my XH.

I suppose my question is. Is this relevant to my struggle with not being able to imagine a life without my A? Has my experience with my XH taken me to a place where I think "just be nice to me and I am yours forever"
I vividly remember the heartache of trying to get over a man who didn't love me and was cruel to me. I can't begin to imagine trying to get over a man I believe loves me(as much as he is able) and whom I truly thought I would be happy with forever.