Screw this.
I decided. I'm leaving.
The less he drinks (he really is trying), the bigger of a jerk he becomes. I have called him abusive before. I don't know if he really is, because I barely know which way is up anymore, but I know he's a big f#*cking jerk. The things that come out of his mouth are disgusting. Racist, sexist, homophobic. I hate it. He is cruel to me and he doesn't care. He is ungrateful for the the things I do for him. He mocks the parts of me that I think are extra "me" (my sensitivity, my want to fix the world, my quirkiness). I could go on and on, but there's no point.
I am leaving. Not today, not tomorrow, but I am leaving. I am a mother with limited skills. I need to save more money and make a plan.
I hope I feel free and lighter one day.