does it get any better?
Hi to all
I just signed up today because I don't have anywhere else to turn. I am in recovery from my drug addiction and when I was told its a life long journey, I didn't understand how it could be but now I am fully aware as to why it is.
I am on the methadone program and for the past 2 years have been slowly weining myself off. I really just need have some support in my recovery because at the na meetings I use to attend were filled with people I used with and its a trigger see them and think about the high I had with them. Also when we talk, some sayy let's go get high one more time. Who are we kidding, we all know that if we did it one more time, we would be back to the bottom of that dark hole we have been trying to escape from.
In the past 13 months my life has been in complete dispare. First was Aug 27th 2012, my boyfriend was severly burnt at work by a fire. He almost died and 87% of his body was covered in 3rd degree burns. I sat day and night by his hospital bed. It didnt even look like him.. The hospital induced a coma and I prayed that he would pull through and be ok. I was not ok tho. I really wanted to drown out the sorrow and heartache I was feeling. When he wascame out of the coma a month later I tried my hardest to encourage him to try and move around and do anything he could to help him strenghthen his body and mind. I could only imagine the pain he felt. As the months came on he was slowly but surely moving along.
On Jan 18/13 I recieved a call at 5:30 in the morning. It was my grandma calling to tell me that my Aunt Barb had fallen down her steps and was hurt and in the hospital. So I got ready and off to the hospital I went. Little did I know how bad she was injured. She fell at one in the morning and her landlord who lived upstairs heard her fall and an ambulance came and took her. She was in surgery for just a little over 5 hours. The surgeon came out and said 100% of her brain was damaged and she may not survive the next 48 hours. I was absolutely devasted. I just talked to her the niggt before and she was preparing herself for a marathon that was happening in the next week and now she might die? I am clise to my aunt, she helped my when I was using. She literally would call around looking for me and show up at ramdom houses I was at and take me home. She saved me. So now I have to people in the hospital that are near and dear to my heart. I wanted my pain to end. The heartache and stress was really eating at me. My 49 year old aunt will never be the same again. She will never beable to eat, walk, go to the bathroom on her own again. Even worse, she will not be able to experience the feeling of becoming a grandma one day when one of her kids have her first grandchild. She always told me she was looking forward to that time in her life.
I was litteraly fighting my temptions to use. I knew if I got higg I could make my emotions disappear. Well at least until I ran out of money. But instead I just stayed at the hospital to read ti my aunt. Wash her hair, trimmed her nails when needed and go cheer my boyfriend on. He was now walking and starting to eat and needed to be hand fed. His hands were burnt the worst. So he needed assistance for everything.
April 16/13, I get a call from my boyfiends brother. He called to tell my that their younger 23 year old brother took his life that night. I dropped the phone. I was in a state of shock. I couldn't believe what I just heard. I have known him since he was born. We were all childhood friends. This was a joke, right? I really didnt know what to do or think. I was at the end of my rope with my emotions. I started calling people to get drugs. I felt I DESERVED some piece of mind and that was the only way to get it. I made the arrangements and went and pucked up the cocaine. Got some needles and was ready to go. I remember sitting in my bathroom and thinking of everything that has happened in the short amount of time. I pulled up my sleeve and was about to go instead I just stopped. I can't tell you why I stopped, it just happened. I flushed the coke and threw everything else away.
To this day I struggle. I feel overwhlmed and stressed out. I feel temped all the time and struggle with sobriety. I know that drugs will help for a short amount of time and make me feel better briefly. I just Dont want to feel ****** anymore. I want a break from life if that makes any sense to anyone who reads this. Please talk to me and help me through. I just want to know if it gets any better then this?!?