Originally Posted by
onthebrink 
I think I just need to go to work 7 days a week. Leave me home by myself and I'm drinking all damn day. I don't even know why I did it or what provoked me to. I bought a bottle of vodka at 8am Friday morning and other than taking a nap (also known as passing out) 3 times I drank that b*tch until I went to bed at 11pm. Now I felt like sh!t the whole time, got NOTHING done that I wanted to get done Friday. Pretty sure my husband suspected I'd been drinking because he kept taking sips from my second cup - the one without alcohol in it - now I'm awake. Shaky. And feel like utter crap. Why?? Why do I do this to myself?? I feel so broken.
If the period between admitting that I had a problem and actually stopping myself from swallowing liquor was a movie, it would be called "Dance With the Devil", because that's exactly what it was. When faced with the possibility that alcohol was going to vanish, my AV started bargaining, wheedling, whining, begging, crying...that son of a bit*h had no shame. I believe when your AV sees the writing on the wall, saying that their reign as the shot caller (literally AND figuratively) is about to come crashing down around them it's suddenly all hands on deck...the drinking must be protected at all costs, and things can get rapidly worse. In my case, my absolute worst period of drinking was this period between admitting I had a problem and stopping for good.
I tell you this because it sounds like your AV is starting to go into overdrive. If you can understand this, address it, conquer it, then you'll be so much closer to the stopping for good destination. Maybe you've already arrived!
Try not to get too down on yourself. Cut yourself some slack and for Heavens sake, don't spend the day punishing yourself. Maybe you might even try to pamper yourself a bit. Take a hot bath, drink lots of hot tea with milk and honey. I'm not about to get between you and your husband...You know what to do.
Chalk this up to lessons learned.