Radioing in
It's been months and months since I posted here, albeit I have read postings, wonderful, saddening, inspiring postings, over the months.
I thought I'd radio in. Short version of my story: married to RAH for 10 years; took me years to realise that he was an alcoholic rather than just a heavy drinker etc and the three C's - I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it and I couldn't cure it; years of emotional abuse (started oh so softly so I didn't notice it creeping up on me) started going to Alanon and found this wonderful forum; his behaviour deteriorated - never got physical but I was very, very scared that he would hit me or worse and I will never forget the look of fear in my children's eyes.
I bottomed out as a co-dependent on Christmas Day 2011 - a day when he missed most of the present opening and the precious ritual of Christmas dinner because he was comatose. I will never forget the anxiety, bewilderment and sadness my parents went through that day (my dad asking if maybe my AH was diabetic?), nor my son saying quietly to his Grandpa: "Daddy drinks wine all the time". It was all just devastating.
So, I bottomed out, planned to tell him to leave and six weeks later, when I had got as many safety measures in place as I could, I did tell him to leave. He left without complaint, checked into rehab, checked out of rehab with lots of Quacking, went to live with his family for the best part of a year and has been dry now for 18 months. Does he really, truly, think he's an alcoholic? I suspect not, but it's not really my issue.
He has set up a home and is renovating it with gusto. He lives about 4 hours away. He sees the children regularly and we go to visit him in the holidays. He stays in my house and we stay in his. We go on holidays together as a family. We get on brilliantly, better than we have done in years. We laugh together and we're a good team. We're actually friends again.
And yet. And yet we're getting divorced. Our families cannot fathom it. They see him "better" and they see us getting on famously and they don't understand why I don't take him back. They can't understand that the reason we're getting on famously and I'm happier than I've been for years is precisely because we are getting that divorce - I am getting to stand on my own two feet and be a whole person again. And that I can never even remotely risk letting myself go back to that dark place, to those dark years when I was scared and my children were scared and we all thought it was normal. RAH will never, can never know or appreciate what I went through when he was drinking and abusing me. But, to his credit, he accepts everything I tell him about what he did and that this divorce was of his making.
I have read many stories on this forum far, far worse than mine and my heart weeps for them. I have read many stories similar to mine and in particular the thing that weighs on me now: my family not understanding what it is like and now feeling like the "black sheep" (as we say in England). But I thought I'd radio in to share, in case anyone might get something from reading this - if nothing else, a little reminder that although others around us may not understand, even though they are our nearest and dearest, there are others who are close to us - even though they are strangers - in the Alanon rooms or on this message board, who absolutely do understand.
And finally - I wanted to say thank you to this forum for being here.
Senseofagoose