Alcoholism is a brutal disease that makes people selfish, irrational, and just plain crazy. There's no doubt in my mind that your mother loved you deep down. Unfortunately, she loved alcohol more. You didn't cause any of this. You didn't set the wheels in motion for her decline and eventual death-- SHE DID. My God, you had enough on your plate and then she showed up expecting you to take care of her as well. That was selfish on her part, though I know you won't see it that way for a very long time. You couldn't have changed a single thing about her. She was controlled by her alcoholism, and as we say here, "alcoholics don't have relationships, they take prisoners." And you are still a prisoner of the disease even though she is gone. Please, please, please see your doctor about what you are feeling. You don't have to do this alone. You have a doctor and resources available to help you with your grief and anxiety. And of course you have us here at SR. Be kind to yourself and love those little boys with all you have. You're going to be ok. (((Hugs)))