Aiko,
I really think you seriously need to consider rehab. Some time away from the pills and booze could give you that head start you so obviously need. You have no control so for a time you need control imposed on you until you are well enough to take over the reins.
better to admit and surrender to your problem before you make some really serious screwups. Most people respond positively to honesty and genuine need for help.
Please consider rehab or get to some AA meetings.
All the best
caiHong