Seperated from my AH for a month now, going through so many mixes emotions.
I felt like I needed to write about this since I cant talk to any of my friends or family about what has been going on. A month ago my AH and I separated, he gave up his job and I just decided that I am not going to work for a unemployed drug addict. So I asked him to leave, he packed some of his stuff and he left. Since then I have been going through so many different emotions. I feel relieved my house is calm and quiet again we have a routine again.
I also feel overwhelmed because I work a 8-5 shift and then I have to care for the children and I don't even get to doing all the chores at the moment. It feels like I can't keep up with housework, laundry, homework cooking and caring for the kids and the cat. Its funny how much I relied on him to help with things around the house. I am also very, very angry, I am angry I cannot believe that even though I kicked him out he still has not gotten his act together. I saw him last week Wednesday and he was thin and obviously high. I got really upset and told him to take his stuff that he came for and just leave. Then I sent him a text telling him not to come by when he is high and not to contact me again. On the one side I am aching to help him get better I really want him to recover and come home. But on the other side I also feel that I have endured so much during the past few years that its better if he doesn't come home.
My emotions are confusing me, I don't really know what I want and realise that I need to take some time to figure out where this separation is going. I want to let him go and let go of all the craziness that his addiction has caused but then I am not entirely sure that I want a divorce. This really sucks my kids miss their daddy especially my son but I just don't think its a good idea for him to come see the kids. I am trying my best but I somehow feel like I am failing my children. Giving up his job was a deal breaker for me and it was a boundary that he overstepped. I told him that if he ever lost or gave up a job due to drugs again I would kick him out. He worked for a great company had a great job they were willing to assist him in his recovery but he gave all of that up. I am struggling to come to terms with that, it feels like my life fell apart in just one day and I could no longer handle it and so he had to leave. I do still love him, I am trying to take it one day at a time. I am not crying so much anymore and I feel a little lighter financially I am able to provide for myself and the kids. I just miss him the sober guy that I married all our friends and family know and I am also just to tired of hiding it and feeling shame. I am at the point where I feel that I am not the addict I have not done anything to be ashamed of so I am going to quit feeling ashamed. That's a bit of a challenge but I have to do it. He made his choices and I made mine now I just need to stick to it. I must admit though being separated from him is hard. If any of you have been separated from your AH or AW how did you get through it?
A