Afterthought

I had a rather unexpected (yet interesting) experience tonight that I wanted to share with the board.

I am currently in the final throws of our four-week clerkship that introduces the senior medical student to the specialty of Emergency Medicine. I have seen death many times before, not to mention hardship that no other person should have to share in – all in the name of medicine and my continued education. I always accepted that as a facet of the profession and continued soldiering on; all the while accepting and grieving with the patient.

However, tonight I had a lady in her mid-40s literally bleed out all over me while explaining all the things that she did wrong in her life. Her life literally drained out on me while I was attempting to fix the things that ailed her. According to protocol, I (and my team) did everything they should have done to save this woman’s life – and there was even a time we all thought she would make it – however, what she told me tonight really stuck with me; all within her final moments of life. When things were really starting to look sour, there was a point she arched her back and looked into my eyes. She said, “I’ve lived my life” which was followed by about 15 seconds of silence and then – and this is the creepy part – looked directly and completely without wavering into my eyes and said, “You are on the brink. Choose life or death. You have no other choice. Choose your path.”

She quickly then expired after having a very quick visit with the people that accompanied her to the ED.

Now please don’t confuse what I have conveyed to you. There are plenty of times that I have had final messages passed on to me – either to pass on to the family, or even (in this case) what I feel is a personal message. This time (even if I was suggestible or not) was intensely and completely directed to me personally and only for me. This woman completely and utterly focused on my eyeballs and my person, even to the point of reaching out in her pain and anguish so that she could reach my face to direct it to hers. There is no mistake, she meant to convey this completely and utterly to me, and me alone. If this was part of the disease state -- and I am willing to admit it might be -- so be it. However, I am telling you it felt like the woman looked into my soul and spoke this entirely to me.

I’ve mentioned prior that my hiccup is the fourth day of sobriety. Today is literally (well after she told me it was technically my fifth since it was past midnight) my fourth day of sobriety. But after this experience, guess what I did once my shift was over? I went to the bar with co-workers and commiserated. I had two drinks on an empty stomach and at this point completely feeling them.

Since I last posted, I have been in contact with SMART and had a meeting of AA. I’ve been introduced to a sponsor and have related this experience to him as well. But, I wanted to share this with SR as well since I consider ya’ll friends and part of my sobriety experience.

This woman will be in my dreams tonight. I’m trying. Please believe that. This is going to be harder than I ever thought possible – and it seems I have “cheerleaders” on the ‘other’ side.

Sleeping shall be interesting…