trudgingagain

I know this is long....but I felt I needed to get it out:

I don’t know exactly when I became an alcoholic. I was raised by a single (alcoholic) mother…who I watched die from alcoholism at age 72. She was bloated, jaundiced and all of her organs stopped functioning. My sisters and I agreed to “pull the plug” the day after Christmas, many years ago, when the doctors told us that she would not recover from her self-induced alcoholic coma. Later, we found medical reports from 1991 indicating that she was a “chronic alcoholic” which, of course, we knew.
My childhood was spent never knowing what she would be like upon coming home from school. Was she hiding behind the front door waiting to whack us, as she often did? Would she wake us up at 2:00 a.m., when she got off of work, to check our homework, to hit us…or did she just want to talk? Definitely a roller coaster. My dad was not in the picture much…she would not let him be…..He had remarried and there were always fights over child support. I later learned that he, too, was alcoholic….but he was finally able to maintain sobriety for 9 years, following a stay in a sober living home. In his later years, he was able to have a drink or two….and ultimately died from congestive heart failure. Apparently, he had been a batterer as well….one of my earliest memories is hiding in the bushes with my mom having a butcher knife …..to defend herself against him….
I do remember the first time I got drunk. It was at a party in high school (maybe age 17). I remember drinking Tom Collins until I was throwing up in the bushes. Someone took me home, and my mother just put me to bed…no consequences from her.
I married, for the first time, at age 18. I wanted to get away from my family. Turns out that I married a drug dealer (cocaine) and a batterer. He was 27. I stayed in this abusive relationship, doing my share of coke, participating in the “disco scene” and was able to drink a bottle of wine a night…all by myself….for 7 years. I endured isolation, black eyes, (almost ) a broken jaw, following a night of drinking tequila, and numerous cut lips, bruises, etc. Pure domination and control. I was working and finishing my Master’s degree at the time. When I finally got the courage to leave, my dad came to the rescue. Stayed with him for 2 weeks before returning to work, since I knew my ex was following me. I moved into my own place, dated and drank….but never thought it was really a problem. During Spring break and Christmas vacation, I worked on Cruise ships as a children’s hostess…planning activities for the kids (I was a teacher during the year). During cruises, the ship’s crew got drinks for 70% off…..my bar bill at the end of a cruise ate up whatever I had made in salary for the cruise. I never knew what I did the night before, or whose bed I would end up in (or who would be in mine). But, hey, I was young and was only beginning to think I drank too much. I met my 2nd husband on a cruise. He was the ship’s photographer. We dated for about a year, when I found out I was pregnant. BUT, I was dating others as well….and had gone on a couple of binges, having one night stands (including one with my first cousin) so I wasn’t sure who the father was. He believed it was him (and I have never told him otherwise) and we were in love and got married. I stopped drinking during my pregnancy, but maintained that once I gave birth, all I wanted was champagne and a carton of cigarettes! (BTW…in 1984, I had 2 DUIs and attended alcohol classes, pregnant….ugh!) I gave birth in November of 1985. The doctor said that he did a blood test and that my husband was, in fact, the baby’s father. (I have since discovered that he is not….but still have not told him. My daughter knows this though. Her father is my first cousin). My husband, as it turned out was/is an alcoholic also. He stopped working on the ships and drank beer and watched TV. I drank right along with him, but vodka was my DOC. During our 9 years of marriage, we had another daughter (1988)…and I actually drank a few glasses of wine during that pregnancy. Once, again, after the birth….I was back at it. My husband would tell me that drinking dark lager was good for breastfeeding…ugh! (During the course of our marriage, I did one final stint on the cruise ships, which ended up in me getting totally drunk one night, going to my cabin alone (I think), but ending up with a guy on top of me.) Finally, my husband went back to work on the ships (in 1991) because we needed the income, and I was totally resentful that I was working like a dog…I had enrolled in law school (hoping not to drink, since I had to study) the year before. So, he was gone, I was teaching during the day, and going to law school at night. (I had finished my Doctorate in Education in June of 1991). I hired a live-in housekeeper to watch the girls….since, at that time, I knew my drinking might result in their neglect. She began hiding my vodka so I wouldn’t drink. On November 11, 1991, while both of my girls were at a sleepover, I got drunk and called the AA hotline. I went to my first meeting totally wasted….but the woman who took me didn’t give up on me and became my first sponsor. I stayed sober for 8 years. I got sober while he was working on the cruise ship. Once sober, I kind of looked around and said to myself, “What the hell am I doing???” I divorced my husband, quit law school, survived the 1994 earthquake…and my oldest daughter’s diagnosis and treatment of juvenile rheumatoid arthritis….and excelled at my job…still staying sober. I met my 3rd husband in 1996….sober. We were married in 1998…still sober.
In 2000, we took a family cruise, so I could show my husband (and the girls) the Caribbean. I remember sitting on deck and, without a second thought, the words “vodka/tonic” came out of my mouth when the waiter appeared. Needless to say, I was off and running again. I thought I could control it…but I basically ruined the trip, and almost my marriage, due to my drinking.
Somehow, I made it back to the “rooms” again and managed to put 3 years together, before I tried to have “just one” again. I went back to the rooms again…in May of 2006….and maintained sobriety until we decided to move from California to a condo we owned in Costa Rica in 2010. I attended a couple of meetings…but we were 2 hours away from them so I stopped going. I felt accountable to no one, not even myself….and again tried to drink like a “normal” person. Even when I “drank too much” , I rationalized that I “wasn’t hurting anyone”….My girls came to visit at Christmastime in 2011…I don’t remember much of their visit. Glad I took pictures…but I HATE looking at them and seeing what I have done to myself and to them. I called the AA person here, again while drunk, and told her I wanted to get sober. She told me to call her back when I hadn’t been drinking. I never did.
Most recently, my youngest daughter (now 25) begged to come visit in July. She had been clean from heroin for a year a while back. Little did I know that she was using meth. I thought she was coming to help me (since I had broken my ankle, while NOT drunk) in June….and my husband needed to return to the States since his mom’s health had declined. I had put her in rehab when she was 19 due to a DUI and following me finding empty bottles all over the floor in her apt., covered by dirty laundry. She connected with the chef in rehab, who is now 43…has 16 felonies and he got her hooked on heroin. At any rate, I think she was detoxing here. She slept all day every day, only to wake to eat each day. I was cooking and cleaning up after her. I went through all of her “stuff” and found no evidence of drugs….but I was so very resentful. Although she and I had been drinking buddies over the years, my sister even warned me that she might try to get me drunk in order to get money. Well, the inevitable happened. She wanted some rum to have with coke. I told her to pick me up a small bottle of vodka. Of course I ended up drinking the whole thing and don’t remember really what started it all. Ended up that I called my husband in the States, who told me to go into the bedroom and close the door. I did. She put a chair against the door so I couldn’t get out. Prior to that she had gone downstairs and left the car running in the middle of the road and said, “You better go deal with that” (keeping in mind I was still on crutches and barely walking). I called management and the manager came over and got her to open the bedroom door. He helped her pack her things and put her in another condo for the night. The next day, we gave her cab fare to a motel, having a shuttle to the airport for her return flight the next day. Apparently, she lost her passport though, so she returned to the condo to look for it….by that time my husband had flown back. Of course she did not find it (although she was convinced we had it) and management gave her more money to get to the Embassy (about 6 hours away). I guess she was stuck in San Jose, the capital with no money, no place to stay, etc. for about 3 days, until a friend of mine from England wired her $300.00. We have had no contact since she left…..although I did find burned aluminum foil in the paint cabinet when we were moving out of the condo (to a beach house). So…..she is still using. Other than that, I have no idea…..but what if I hadn’t gotten drunk that one night??????? I am so very sure that things would have been different . I feel so very guilty. What mother leaves their daughter stranded in a foreign, that speaks a different language, with no money, no food, no place to stay, etc.?! That was July 29th.
From that day until October 15th I drank from the moment I woke up (after a couple cups of coffee) until I went to bed. I knew I had to stop…..I did….cold turkey, and this time suffered from nausea, headaches, sweats….no shakes though….for 5 full days. I have never detoxed before.
So…now I am on day 12…..again….