GracieLou

This made me laugh because it is so true. I have heard people tell me I am strange and my answer is "I know, but it works for me".

I did not like big crowds and not because I was afraid, it was because I wanted attention and if the crowd was to large then I am not going to get what I want. It is hard to get attention from 50 people.

So I went the other way. I went to isolation. I wanted to be alone to drink the way I wanted to. I even drank away the drinkers.

I thought I used to put a lot of value on friends and family and I was upset when they drifted but I have discovered it was my expectations of others that was my downfall. Expectations are just premeditated resentments. They did not say what I wanted or do what I was expecting so they let me down. It was no different with life. Life did not go the way I felt it was supposed to play out so it sucked.

I was expecting and trying to control my whole world. Work, friends, family...all of it. If everyone would just play their part in my world then it would be perfect. Like dolls. I could place them in my life where I needed them. I needed support, so I sat Jane next to me. I wanted to drink so I sat Mary and Joe next to me. If I needed someone to work on my car, then I sat my dad under the hood. If I needed sex then I sat John in my bed. It went round and round and when the characters did not play the way I wanted them to I replaced them or stuck them in other roles only to run the scenario again to see if that worked.

It never worked. I had to look at myself, not them. I had to look at my resentments and expectations of others and see where my faults were. I had to learn to let go not only of those old ideas but to let go of the control I was placing on others. It is not their fault that I wanted pie but they brought cake.