Hello butterfly, and welcome to our corner of recovery
Originally Posted by
butterfly2013 
... In the books I have read, this is called "emergent awareness." And DAMN, does it HURT!! These emotions are overwhelming, especially because I have gotten "numb" to the abuse over the years....
Yes, it certainly does hurt. We know all about that in this forum, you are in good company
Originally Posted by
butterfly2013 ... I tried so hard to deny the craziness in my father and in my family that it seemed natural to me to get into a relationship with an alcoholic because that's all I knew, that what felt normal to me.
...
Been there, done that, for the exact same reasons.
Originally Posted by
butterfly2013 ... How terrible is it to admit that not only is your father an alcoholic, but he is also abusive and a terrible human being? ...
My father was just the biological accident of my conception. I did not choose him, so it is no reflection on me. Since I started recovery I have learned how to make _healthy_ friends and have made my own "Family of Choice", and replaced my "Family of Origin".
Originally Posted by
butterfly2013 ... I was the one who excelled in school and made the family look great....
Around here we call that the "Hero" child, it's one of many "roles" we assume in order to survive the insanity. I was mostly the "Problem" child with a bit of the "Peacemaker" mixed in.
Originally Posted by
butterfly2013 ... I will do what is necessary to protect my son from his father's alcoholism and break the cycle....
Sounds to me like you already broke the cycle.
Originally Posted by
butterfly2013 ...It is hard, but I know I can do it because I am a survivor. ...
Yes you are. Now you have this bunch here on SR to cheer you on and be supportive whenever you need us. I am glad you decided to post, I hope we can be helpful to you as you travel with us on the "path" of recovery.
Mike