I started this thread on Friday night/Saturday morning around 2am. I like to stay up late (even just doing sober things like reading, surfing the web, drawing etc.) but that night I ended up going out and binge drinking all over again. And it was worse than usual. No one I knew was around but I went to 2 bars anyway. I fell on my face trying to leave the second one, on the sidewalk, in front of the bar, by myself, heading to my car. Then I drove home and drank quite a bit more. I had gone out at 7pm and had drank until 9am. I still feel like garbage today from it. I wasted all of Sunday sleeping until the night. When I did get up I was shaky and nauseas and felt like I was going to have a panic attack.
I was really itching to go back out again tonight. But I didn't. I like to think that I'm less dependent on it than this. I felt like crap all day today from Saturday night's fiasco and yet I wanted to go back out again tonight. That's a fairly new development, only in the past few months have I started itching to do it again while still hungover.
Tomorrow will be the real challenge. Usually Tuesdays are hard for me. I guess they come right when I'm feeling "better enough" for that anxiety to kick in. I'm so tired of doing this. I'm so tired of talking about it and failing.