butterfly2013

Hi everyone,

I am usually over in the Friends and Family forum regarding my own recovery and my XABF (who is also the father of our toddler). Since we are currently in a custody dispute, I have focused much of my time/energy on understanding the impact that alcoholism has had in our co-parenting relationship and even our former romantic relationship which, predictably, ended very, very badly.

The beginning of the custody dispute (which I initiated) and my ex's continued unacceptable behavior was finally my "rock bottom" and I sought help, with counseling, SR, and reading Al-Anon and other recovery materials. As I fought to protect my little one, most of my focus remained on my XABF and our terrible relationship. However, since then, I have slowly been waking up to the fact that I am the adult daughter of an alcoholic father and a codependent mother. In the books I have read, this is called "emergent awareness." And DAMN, does it HURT!! These emotions are overwhelming, especially because I have gotten "numb" to the abuse over the years.

Things I have repressed about my childhood for years----my father's rage and sometimes physical abuse against myself and my siblings, helping my mother pick out my father's empty beer cans from the recycling to help "cover" for my dad when we took our items to the recycling center, the deep shame I felt when my mom wrote letters to my teachers asking for monetary help for the fees for fields trips even though my dad always had money for alcohol, my father's abuse toward my mother. I tried so hard to deny the craziness in my father and in my family that it seemed natural to me to get into a relationship with an alcoholic because that's all I knew, that what felt normal to me.

Even after my mother filed police reports, they are still together (mostly due to financial reasons because my mother currently doesn't have an income or any savings because they are very poor). The thought makes me stomach turn. I have moved away from the family home and I have not visited in months, but I cannot even handle speaking to my father on the phone. How terrible is it to admit that not only is your father an alcoholic, but he is also abusive and a terrible human being? It makes my heart hurt so much. I just can't deal with him at all. As a child, a "perfect daughter," I was the one who excelled in school and made the family look great. My father always expressed how proud he was of me. But now, understanding the nature of his alcoholism and craziness, his "approval" of me makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want anything to do with him at all. I feel like everything in my childhood was a lie and I lived in denial for so many years that I didn't even have a clear grasp of reality.

Now, I am safe. Now, I am finding more resources and making a commitment to my recovery process. I will do what is necessary to protect my son from his father's alcoholism and break the cycle. It is hard, but I know I can do it because I am a survivor.