Emily,
You are having the same thoughts as was having two weeks ago when I made my husband leave our house. I just couldn't take the drug abuse, lies, betrayal and pain any more. His drug abuse had gotten so bad that I thought I would find him dead in our home. I refused to allow that to happen, so I made him leave and made the decision that I would not allow him back into our home until he was clean and on his way to recovering from his addiction.
He was homeless for 7 days, and it was pure hell for me. I was so scared, for him and for myself. I didn't know where he was or if he was dead or alive. The first day or two, I tried to track him down, find out where he was, just so that I knew he was ok. I couldn't sleep unless I heard his voice. It was horrible. I was so terrified that he would accidentally overdose or take his own life. I kept thinking, "How will I live with myself if that happened?" But I also knew that i wouldn't be able to live with myself if I allowed him to abuse drugs and he ended up dying in our home. That would have been much, much worse.
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I had to do it, for MYSELF. I couldn't live like that anymore, and if I wouldn't have kept my boundary in place, he would be in our home right now with a needle in his arm.
It only took him one week to realize that if he didn't get help he would not only lose everything, including me, but he would end up dying. Some addicts never come to this realization and the addiction ends up killing them. There is no way to tell how long it will take an addict to reach his/her "rock bottom". It could be days, weeks, months, years or never. But what is the same for all addicts is that they will either get 1. Cleaned Up, 2. Locked Up, or 3. Covered Up. But that is his choice and his choice alone. Until he has really had enough, until he is really done with it, he will continue to abuse drugs. Hopefully, your bf will hit rock bottom sooner than later, but he will never get to that point if you or anyone else continues to allow him back into your life.
And I know that it is sooooooo hard not to answer the phone when he calls. I really do, and I am so sorry that you have to go through this. If you can't find the strength not to answer the phone, block his number. Or change your phone humber. And if you still can't do that, then change his ring tone to "silent" so that you won't know when he is calling you. Of course you will see the missed call afterwards, but if you don't hear the phone ring, you can't answer it, right? Then at least you know that he is still alive. Cutting off all contact with him is really the best thing to do, but it's okay if you don't have the strength to do it right now.
Also, set some boundaries. For example, tell him that "I will not be in any type of relationship with you until you are clean," or "I will no longer enable you to abuse drugs. In order to stop enabling you, I will not have any contact with you until I have proof that you are on your way to recovering from your addiction." You have to set healthy boundaries, boundaries that you can follow through with. If you aren't ready for this, then take baby steps. "I will only speak to you when you are sober." "I will not spend time with you if you are using drugs or alcohol." I know you can keep those boundaries!
I really wish I could tell you exactly what you should do or shouldn't do, but it's not that simple. I really wish it would be that simple! But I will tell you that you need to take care of yourself, as best as you possibly can right now. And I know it is hard to focus on yourself when you are so worried about him. I struggle with this every day of my life. But every day, I get a little stronger. Just ask yourself, "What do I need and want?", and then figure out HOW you can get those things. Also, what are the things that make you happy? Do things that make you happy, whether it is reading a book, exercising, spending time with friends, playing sports, volunteering at an animal shelter, etc. etc. etc. Do things that you enjoy, and I promise you that you won't spend so much time focusing on HIM AND HIS ADDICTION.
I really need to get some sleep, big day tomorrow. But if you want to talk more, just send me a private message tomorrow. What helps me the most is talking to other people LIKE ME
We help each other get through the tough times, that's what SR is all about!
Talk to you soon,