whitelotus1978

Hi.

I need to share and I also need advice how to get over falling in love with an addict.

I am in screaming pain over losing who I thought was the love of my life. I met someone who I thought was a sober addict almost 10 months ago. Myself I only had 4 months of sobriety at the time. I had been struggling with alcoholism for a number of years (I'm 35) and this has been it for me. I have almost 14 months sobriety now, I am glad I am sober, I am in AA have a sponsor and do my best to work the steps. I am grateful every day that I am sober even though life isn't always a walk in the park, I am cheerful and present for everything that comes to pass in my life now.

When I met my addict BF, he said he was sober. In fact I didn't see him drink for almost the entire time we were together. But it was just a few months before he was slipping with a lot of weed, and going back to his drug of choice - pills. That is when the hiding and lying started, and it started to become clear that he never really was sober.

I have read it all here before and on other forums - this man who said he loved me up and down, who couldn't believe his luck at meeting me, we thought we would get married and everything - he simply could NOT put down the drugs for us. It was then in my sobriety - I could see clearly what an addict looked like. He lied to my face, was texting other women, he seemed disinterested in finalizing the divorce from the wife he was separated from. He never respected my boundaries or rules for my life. He hid his using from me - but of course I could tell when it was happening because he turned into a different person. A sweet gentle man turned into a shut-down suicidal lunatic. It was almost as if I was mesmerized by how utterly selfish he was - couldn't look away. He went through my phone in a fit of suspicion like the hypocrite that he is. He would make mistakes and not pay bills and I would have to pay for things even though he made three times more than me. Here I was newly sober, and his drugs were so important to him that he couldn't even respect my simple wishes of not doing it around me. He maintained a horrible and vicious correspondence with his ex wife and then would cry to me and have meltdowns about it. Whenever I was angry or frustrated about the kinds of behavior above, he would blow me off and avoid me.

The hardest and scariest part of it all was that I recognized myself in him from my days of active addiction. I think part of the reason I couldn't cut the ties with him was because I understood him - and I knew that if he got clean and sober - he would see my point and see how life could be, and our love could grow and be healthy. I did it - why did't he? He had been in rehb - he knew about sobriety. In my sobriety I had somehow forgotten how powerful the relationship to the substance is. Someone in another forum was saying she read her journal and realized that she had spent about 75% of her relationship with her addict BF trying to break up with him. That was the same for me. Our relationship was really actually crap - and it had everything to do with HIM. HIS drugs, HIS problems, HIS comfort, HIS needs and HIS timing. I wrote him long and thoughtful letters offering support and understanding. I suggested small steps to take to get help. I gave ultimatums. I tried to leave him. I begged him to stop. I bargained. I was subsisting on hope that things would get better - and I can't tell you the number of excuses I made for him - his hard childhood, his time in the wars overseas, his mean ex-wife. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING changed in all this time. What a waste.

I have finally cut ties with him and have a no contact rule. It is hard. I love him and miss him, we had a deep spiritual connection - it felt cosmic when we met. I broke up with him 4 times but we really only lasted a couple of days before getting back together. This time he dumped me - you know why? I was angry that he brought alcohol into my apartment, and got so high he couldn't even talk. Then we had a night apart and he was too wasted to take my calls. I gave him hell about it - and he told me I had aggression issues and we would try again "when he was ready" and that I needed therapy. I can't believe the lack of self awareness and his part in the demise of our relationship. I snapped. I can never see him again - this is where the pain comes in, the pain of loss. And the rejection I feel that he chose drugs over me and our beautiful connection.

I feel like a chump, a joke. Why didn't I remember that I used to choose alcohol over everything and everyone else? He is an addict. He has one love and one love only - and that is drugs and alcohol. It feels disgusting to say it - but I am jealous of the drugs and alcohol. He spent more time, awareness and money on them than he did on me. Now I know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a relationship with an addict. I did the same thing to people when I was drinking. I feel bad and judgmental about him when I really don't have the right to be, but the only thing I can do for him now is stay as far away from him as possible. I realized that I have a CHOICE not to have his toxicity and his addiction in my life. And I am able to make that choice now. I am scared and lonely, I had his companionship for most of my first sober year. But I realized what I have missed out on is really getting to know myself as a sober person - his drama and problems and selfishness consumed my life. As they consume his. The only difference for me is that I can actually walk away today - he can't do that until he gets help.

I have some skills from staying sober - I can only heal from this and get over him one day at a time. One minute at a time, like I am doing now. I am grateful my sobriety gives me this choice. Addiction is so utterly, utterly heartbreaking. This has been the most powerful lesson I have ever learned about what addiction can do to the people around you. I have profound compassion for the frustration, sadness, desperation and heartache of all those close to an addict - I also know how much you can really love that addict - even though you feel you shouldn't sometimes.

I will really miss him and I am sending him a prayer that he gets well one day. I may never know...

Thanks for listening.