How has addiction changed you?
In my experience, addiction is a really sad state of affairs for the addict and the loved ones of addicts. Active addiction of any kind is a fast track to hell. Without some kind of recovery, it seems hopeless for all involved. People have differing opinions on addiction, recovery, and life in general and it's not black and white. Despite all the theories in the world, experience has been my best teacher.
My AXBF is still on the roller coaster with drugs/alcohol/self-loathing, and I have watched him go around and around and upside down many times and for most of his life. At first, I stayed on the ride with him and tried to convince him to stop. Then I got off and on again and again, making myself insane. Eventually, I got off the ride for good. Now I am leaving the theme park altogether. Where he'll stop, who knows.
I still pray for him from time to time, despite my feelings of anger and resentment that followed our split. When I left, I left behind a pile of recovery resources and a letter of encouragement, forgiveness, faith, hope, and love. I finally got to the point in grief of acceptance. Grief has become such an ingrained part of my life, that I forgot how to live. Forgiveness has helped me let go and move on. Acceptance gave me my life back.
Addiction has been a fast track to personal growth, transformation, and spirituality for me. So far, my AXBF, has been my single greatest teacher because my relationship with him put me on the path to my recovery. I also realized that as much as I was stuck in a holding pattern, that it was my choice to stay or go.
Eventually, I stopped focusing on him. I stopped feeling guilty for taking care of myself. I was no longer afraid that he might die sooner than later. And I no longer feel obligated to help. I tried everything to help, and I was going down with his addiction. I chose to get out and save myself. Because of that choice, I am now repairing the damage done to my own life and building a new life. I trust that letting go was the single most kind act of real love I have ever showed him and myself.
I have no idea what the future holds. The past has shaped who I have become. But today is an absolutely gorgeous day outside, and I am going outside to enjoy life on life's term. I am blessed with an abundant life. I am blessed with choices. I am blessed with loving people in my life. I hit rock bottom, and found my way out to a better life. That is how addiction changed me.
How has addiction changed you?