LOL Hammer - you are awesome
Katchie - Detachment takes practice...a LOT of practice. I am putting a plan in motion to leave late next week, and I think my AH smells something in the air. He has turned the charm up to 11 and is texting me even MORE often (if that were possible) and wanting to spend every minute with me. He asks a ton of questions, as you mentioned yours is, in a cheery way... but you can tell he is suspicious. For example - "Did you talk to anyone today?" translation - did you talk to any friends I forbade you to have any longer, or any of your family, about me? "What are you planning to do tonight while I am at work?" Translation - I want to know you are sitting at home and not doing anything that would make me feel even more insecure or less in control.
It's a very draining experience. It is a family disease - the A isn't the only one suffering. Everyone around them suffers too.
May I ask (and forgive me if I overstep any boundaries) what you are doing to work on yourself? I only ask because in the beginning, when I was reading Codependency for Dummies and learning about my issues, I would think, in my codie brain, that I was doing things for myself...but in reality, they were still things done with my AH in mind. For example, I wanted to go treat myself to a pedicure, but I would pick a polish color I knew he would like, and do it at a time when he would be at work anyway so he wouldn't be upset about me not being home to 'spend time with him'. That wasn't really for me, was it?
It takes time for all this stuff to sink in, and work to implement changes in your life. Baby steps, one foot in front of the other. You may never understand completely what it's like for your AH, but you can understand what it's like for YOU and your children. That's what I use to base decisions on - how I feel,not how the AH feels. Took time for my thinking to get there, though. (hug) I wish you the best, and keep posting! This is a wonderful place for support.