Thanks again wpainterw. Really appreciate your feedback. Sometimes sharing this stuff and putting it out there just makes things so much clearer!
Indeed I'm not far from London. I do go there sometimes and often enjoy an exhibition or a shop! Usually do that stuff on my own tho, not that I mind that sometimes! I get to see more on my own! ha.
I just did something positive and let this guy know why I can't really speak to him, and he totally understands, which is cool. No way I'd go near him, but sometimes you can't help your brain from thinking 'but what if he can fix me?' Grrrh. Only person who can fix me is myself. Onwards and upwards! One less thing to worry about! Now I just need to stop worrying about the other stuff!! HAHA
As I've been in a accident, I've had too much time with my head. I can't get out much as I've had casts attached to my legs. So lonely, and depressed has been an understatement at the moment. I'm a total looser. I can't even be a proper alcoholic, I even fail at being a failure, that's how much of a looser I am. So when you feel this crap about yourself, you actually start to think 'well I might as well get annihilated then, crack open the hard stuff, and rub out my existence off the planet, cause no one will notice anyway'. But I'll know, I'll just start the drinking cycle again, and it will all go on and on, and nothing will change, unless I do something about it.
In my head I feel like a very sick individual. I'm really been giving my self a battering, not just physically with booze, but mentally, I've launched a full scale assault. No prisoners will be taken, war was declared many years ago, and now my brain is a desolate and disastrous zone with damaging explosives filling every nook and cranny, every thought could potentially end my day, obviously provided the day actually begins, as quite honestly, I'd like to stay in bed.
I can't wait to start walking again! Then I think I'll look for ways where I'll be interacting with the world!! Yay! I will live again!!!
I do have some positive news tho. I've got an appointment with a mental health specialist on Monday, to discuss things like bipolar, ADHD, and personality disorders. So I might be able to get to work on fixing up a few things! Might get on the anti-depressants.
I've got a challenging weekend ahead where there might be booze, but I'm not going to drink! I'm NOT going to do it.
PLEASE GOD HELP ME!!!!
Thought I'd start today with some positive affirmations...
I love you and accept you exactly the way you are.
I am free of pain, anger and fear.
In every aspect of my life I am guided to my highest happiness and fulfilment.
All problems and struggles now fade away: I am serene.
I am free and filled with light.
Right, I'm off to look for some positive things to do. Might clean stuff! Getting Motivated! Yay!
Sorry for the essay! Guess I should write this in a diary rather than sharing it with the world, but hey ho, it's human to share.
Love to all,
Sicknote.