Katchie, you just triggered the memory of a story that I had almost forgotten. Lots of people don't see the "logic" of working on themselves when the alcoholic is the one with the "problem".
There was this woman who had been hit by a speeding motorist--resulting in a broken leg. When the rescue squad arrived to attend to her---she angrily told them--don't pay attention to me---it was that guy who did the damage. Go attend to him!
In alanon, you will find that they will understand your feelings---beyond words. Although all our circumstances may be different, the basic human feelings are pretty much the same. It isn't always easy to open up to a group of people, at first. you will get over that.
Continue to vent here, as all of us need to do this, at times. You have been carrying so much inside.
Alcoholism changes the alcoholic (progressive) and it also changes us, who live with it--sometimes, we don't even recognize ourselves any more!
dandylion