My alcoholic wife recently started to get sober. Previously she had made various attempts at stopping drinking but that was always the problem, she never really wanted to stop. This time her drunk actions caused her 13 year old daughter to move in with her father. The effect this had on my wife's fragile mental state caused her to try to take her own life. Fortunately this was prevented and since then she has finally admitted the depth of her addiction.
While she was in hospital I knew I had to say all the things I had avoided saying for so long. This really was make or break in so many ways, her life, my life, our life. However, I have learnt nothing I say or do will make her change, she had to want to change. I took this approach and wrote her a letter because it was the only way I could articulate what I needed to say without fear of breaking down or losing the courage to put out there what could have finished us for good.
It was a very cathartic experience for me and ended up running to nearly 10 pages, very much a stream of consciousness that once started was difficult to stop. However, my focus was entirely on me just as she has been the center of her illness so it was time to put myself first and explain how the situation we have been in for too many years had affected me.
When my wife came home from hospital and acknowledged she wanted to change I asked her if she was prepared and able to read my letter. She was and did and has re-read it numerous times since those dark days in late September. It did what I hoped, from my perspective anyway, which was to make her realise the hurt, anguish, pain and upset her life choices had on those closest to her.
My wife has now been sober 16 days, is attending 2 or 3 AA meetings a day and is very slowly re-discovering the joy life has to offer. The relationships with her daughter will take time to rebuild and may not happen at all but she is prepared to try and so am I. It's all I can ask of her, to try and while I see her giving it her all, not for me, but for herself, then I will do all I can to support her and love her.
Sorry to ramble on but writing such letters can be a very powerful way of telling your AH how you are affected by the situation.