Nuudawn

I say the same sort of harsh, judgemental, ridiculous crap to myself all the time. We cannot "think" our way out of it sometimes. Our needs, passions, hungers come from a gut level...not a head level. There is some sort of driving ache within our bones screaming for reprieve...it's immature and relentless sometimes and there are moments we just get through by gritting our damn teeth and getting through it.

I had that day yesterday Alpha. I had a crap day at work and all I kept thinking about all day was when I got off I wanted either a cigarette or a drink. I was going to have something dammit! It was so overpowering and all sense was not within my reach. And I tell ya I just about smacked a coworker who told me I needed to do the AA Steps (after telling me she had had a lousy week full of anger and depression - so oh yeah..how were the steps helping you sista!!).

Some moments..days...weeks are just freaking lousy. Non-addicts do not have the disadvantage of thinking a cigarette, a drink or a rail is gonna make it all better. Some things just suck and we addicts start obsessing that something outside ourselves is gonna take away the sh*t. It doesn't. Perhaps momentary relief and then guess what? We are just back pining for relief..again and again and again.

Anyhoo...while I was driving home from work (white knuckling the steering wheel as to not stop for smokes or a trough of booze) I slapped on some damn relaxation CD hoping it would stop the ...dwelling on my crap life. Well how the hell was my life different than yesterday?? It wasn't...my thoughts were different. So ..well, I worked on changing my thoughts...it wasn't fantastic..but it got better.

Then when I got to my mom's for Thanksgiving day dinner..I jumped out of my truck and my back went out. I dropped to my knees in pain. I think the drive passing by thought I had dropped to my knees in prayer lol. I had to call my mom on my cell phone to come help me cuz I couldn't get up.

It kinda changed the whole course of the day.

I'm just rambling here. I just wanted to say..I hear ya. I obsessed all day yesterday. Today? I'm okay..and my back is better too : )