Thank you all for your advice. Much appreciated.
I like the 'No' is a complete sentence and I will definitely tell him he is not able to come into our home until he cleans up his act. I too need to make this home our 'serenity zone'.
We have become a lot better at pushing back and saying no but still a way to go. I certainly haven't given him anything except a birthday present for many many months.
I agree that both parents need to be on the same page. It's a little tricky now as we are going through this separation and my husband thinks the world is against him. I will have a chat with him about this.
My son has threatened to kill himself a number of times. Police have been involved a number of times. The thing is, we keep our guard up for a while, things start getting a little pleasant again, guard goes down and the merry-go-round starts again. I want to get off!
I am curious as to how people stick with the 'no contact'. Last time my son became aggressive I sent him a message saying I don't want to see him until he is off the drugs and can be pleasant. That lasted a little while until the guilt got the better of me and I arranged to have dinner with him for his birthday. All of a sudden I'm on the contact list again and he has his foot in the door again.
I am going to make some changes. Thank you so much again.