Oh Becki.
I remember that feeling way too well.
The kids would feel it, too. My oldest can still shudder when he talks about how it was as if the sheer quality of the air we breathed changed when we heard the garage door open and knew AXH was coming home.
The first time I considered leaving AXH, I had just found out I was pregnant. My best friend talked me out of it, basically saying "what do you have if you leave him? Why not give it a try?"
I tried for another 20 years.
It wears you out. Emotionally, mentally, physically. I don't have to tell you that. But being on the other side now, outside the marriage, and working on true recovery on all levels... I just feel for you. So much. Because I remember that sick feeling to my stomach when I knew I had to go home and be around him.
Hugs. You're a strong woman and you will figure this out. In your own time.