Oh how I can relate to this! But I'm actually doing a lot better now. (The story that ensues may make you think otherwise, but I actually FEEL much better)
My first thoughts of leaving my AH started about 5 years ago. So yes this has been a crazy-go-round for quite some time. I recently joined Al-Anon and have been going 3 times a week for about a month and a half.
I find that I intellectually accept him as he is. The drinking isn't really my big issue at this point. It’s the lack of trust, and constant questioning that drives me batty. I call it, living under a microscope. Which makes me think he’s actually a double winner, A and Co-D.
Anyway, I've told myself time and time again to not engage in his lengthy conversations about is cloud of doom, or the state of our relationship. But my magical thinking is always right there to scoop me up into the story line. Take this last weekend for instance. I went out! Ah.. I actually went out with my girlfriends. Upon returning home I found that he had consumed about a half a bottle of vodka and was ready to talk about our lack of relationship. Why oh why did I take the bait? This is twice since I started my thread about looking for the way out of these conversations. Saying, you might be right, or just responding with silence. But did I do that.. Why no.. that wouldn't be any fun would it? I did however close this one off quicker than I have in the past. But not before I got stark raving crazy! Ending the conversation with.. “I’ll tell you exactly why I can’t have these conversations anymore, because they turn me into an f*ing lunatic, I let myself get so worked up and insane that it doesn't make any sense. I sit right here with this glass in my hand and what I really want to do it hurl it across this room into the wall and watch it shatter into a million f*ing pieces, but I won’t. I’m going to stand, put this glass gently in the kitchen and go to bed.” And I walked away. Did that stop him from coming in the room 10 min later thinking that it was time to “cuddle”? Nope, sure didn't. But I did much better not responding at that point. And I bet I won’t be having one of those moments again for a while.
I see now that if me not engaging in this crazy making doesn't change our family dynamic, that this time, for the last time, it’s time for me to go. Whether or not I can, ignore this type of behavior or learn to deal with it isn't the point anymore. It’s why would I want to? And is this what I want for my children? And if I can give him the respect of letting him be how he is, without trying to change him, than I should do the same for myself. I shouldn't and won’t change myself to accept something I don’t want to accept. I have a choice too. I’m not saying he’s wrong. (but he is…lol) He doesn't have to change, and neither do I. If I don’t want to live under a microscope, I don’t have too. I hope he would consider giving me that respect, but I’m not real hopeful. And like Tuffgirl said,” It just seems fair to let him go, in turn letting myself off the hook.” I haven’t left yet, but I suspect this is what the end will look like for us.