New in town..
Yes, Its come that moment where I am ready for a change.
For five years I have been on a roller coaster ride with an addict husband. When your husband loves drugs..and yet loves you too he wants nothing more than to share his passion with you...Correct? Perhaps a stable person would have walked away and "just said no" My need to please had me trying every available concoction only to find myself with such regret that I hated myself for always being persuaded into trying things I otherwise would not have. Worse yet I would hide these things from those who love me..forcing me to withdrawal from friends and family.
Every crisis his habits created left me cleaning up messes, Bailing him out of jail in a foreign country, sorting out blame, and struggling with the hateful things he'd say on a binge. I was angry with my self for enabling him. My threats to leave were met with pleads to stay. And so the vicious cycle began.
As like most addicts when he's not using or has undetectable traces, then things are calm. He's an amazing, intelligent, successful man and wonderful provider. All of which he'd use to deny he really had a problem. For years I thought I could help him.
This year unfortunate family emergencies left me having to spend some time back in the U.S. while he was working abroad. I joined a Naranon program and attended regular meeting. I realized that I was equally as sick on some level. So I am focusing on me and letting him take responsibility for himself. It's a learning process, but seems to be helping me.
To him: my changes in reactions and adherence to set personal boundaries have him sicker. He's using, lying, and withdrawing. While I know I am powerless over his actions, I joined this group to see what others go through and perhaps how it resolves itself or doesn't.
I am tired of the fighting..I feel myself becoming healthier every day..I'm as they say "detaching with love" Only its painful watching him suffer.
Thanks for listening!