thank you both - you've just made my day seem just that much better. I am at work now but in early and making a list of tangible things I can do to show that i am starting the process of taking responsibility (group meetings, getting finance advice).
I know i need to step back but it's so hard - the very person and want support from is the person I have pushed away so I know I cant just expect to say - 'hey i'm sober now so i want you to be loving again'.
My wife has told my family everything now (they didnt have a clue) and my mum is flying out for a month next week - (my wife and I emigrated a year ago). Hopefully I can spend time with her, though it will be tough at first, and that will help me give my wife the space she needs.
thanks all again