My soon to be EXah ruined holidays to be with his messed up family, sold everything that ever meant anything to me and I got to find needles in the car console when going to get a christmas tree. He also admitted that he had done things like sexual favors to get heroin. Everything awful he ever told me he did, or now the second time I have to find out from others because he wouldn't tell me or admit to anything, is like a sharp punch to the gut. But I'll tell you, being out of it now, I didn't realize how miserable I was after he got clean the first time, up until a few years later now that he relapsed again. He put me in a really awful position this time where I have to work three jobs and have no health insurance, when I used to make really good money but we moved over a year and a half ago for his job. Well I did that for him, and he screwed me bad. Obviously you have a huge heart and a LOT to give to a person in a relationship, but I think we get so stuck in our situations, that we don't realize how much life and joy is drained from us with the poor choices that they make. Stay strong, but take care of you first and foremost. Another thing is, what ever you are translating what he says to mean, it's just your interpretation, it doesn't mean that he's actually pushing you away because he doesn't feel worthy of you, he might just be pushing you away because he wants to use or just be selfish and doesn't want to answer to anyone.