It needs to stop
I feel just awful today. I have been a frequent lurker to sr, but haven't posted in a long time. My join date July 2010. I'm really ashamed. Why can't I get it together? I will go a few weeks, and just when I start feeling good again, I buy wine. I hate this I just got done with a 4 day binge. Last night was horrid with sweating, heart palpatations, anxiety, nausea. I felt like I was having a panic attack. I need to hold on to that feeling and the terrible guilt and shame and remember it next time I want to buy wine. It sucks. I know I am bringing it on myself. I have 2 kids and I need to be a good example for them. I need to be strong for them. They deserve way better than this. I can't stop beating mysellf up. I was crying last night and my five-year-old was crying with me. That is what a great big heart he has. I want to deserve that but I feel pretty unworthy right now. This is it 10/9/13. I HAVE to do this. Thanks for reading. Need to get if off of my chest. I am going to post every day. I won't dissapear this time. I need to be here.
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