It may not sound like it, but I don’t blame myself for his relapse, and I know that it happened because of things going on inside him. He and his doctors have to figure this out, and only he can make the changes he needs to make. What I feel mostly is a lack of trust, some kind of betrayal and Im trying to get past it. Before he even relapsed, there were big things going on with work, and he didn’t tell me. I know he didn’t have to, but we normally told each other of major events that were going on in our lives. This time he shut me out. I know he has that right as a person, I don’t want all his private thoughts, or to know about most of what he does at work. But in our marriage, we always talked and shared, and were best friends. He says he felt like he was failing and didn’t want me to know, he thought he could fix it all. That is what I feel torn about, does he think he has to be perfect for me? Did he think I wouldn’t love him if he failed? I know that’s all internal for him, but I am questioning if I give him that impression somehow. I know its his responsibility to tell me there is a problem if he feels it, I cant read his mind. But I still cant help but wonder if I have unconsciously been telling him I wont love him if he isnt perfect?
There is that, and then there is the cheating while he was relapsing and using. We talked about it finally in detail over the weekend, don’t know what I was expecting to happen, its still there, but now I have pictures that are more clear to watch over and over. We haven’t “been together” since I found out. I still feel betrayed.
I don’t know if Im in denial, or too preoccupied with all these other emotions of my own, but I don’t seem to be focusing on his coming home and relapsing, even though he came home on that pass and used almost in front of me. It seems like that should be my biggest fear! He will be drug tested as part of the work agreement, I keep thinking I wont have to worry about it because of that. But will that change once he is here in the house?
I am trying to think about my feelings, and what I want, but I feel confused. Counseling is helping me but I cant work on it fast enough or something. Maybe Im confusing my not being ready for him to come home, with thinking he is not ready. But I had a hard time watching him go back to rehab after our weekend, and was then thinking only a few more weeks and he will be home. I want him home and miss him, but Im scared or something.