Hi Marty! I remember you.
We're still here. Some of us have slipped, some of us haven't, but thank goodness we are all still trying in one way or another.
Stepping away from the bottle is a great way to end self-loathing. It doesn't happen over night, but as the fog lifts you may experience a deep sense of relief that you don't have to do that to yourself anymore.
Continuing drinking won't help you repair those relationships and the distance created. It will make it worse.
Sounds like you're afraid of real life. Me too.
But I learned that dying an alcoholic death would be disgusting and painful. And the years spent getting there would be brutal, full of more self-loathing and I know I would be alone.
So I sucked it up and looked around and thought, 'well, now what.' Now what for now, for me, means giving myself permission to be sober, not trying to fix every mess I've made all at once, sleeping a lot and staying glued to SR among other healthy things.
I'm sorry you hate yourself, I know that feeling.
But to be honest, drinking makes it worse. It's an evil and dirty cycle.
You deserve better. Please believe me when I say I promise you it's better on this side of the bottle. Not always easier, ok? But BETTER.