Ouch
I'm sorry to see you hurting so deeply. Reaching out for help is good. I got help dealing with the pain of addiction through therapy and in the rooms of Nar-Anon (Al-Anon is good if there isn't a Nar-Anon meeting in your area).
It truly is possible to find joy in living whether the addict continues to use...or not.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke