One must imagine Sisyphus happy...
9 days sober today...
But Mondays were my days for drinking, always early afternoon Mondays and now I want to go out for a drink, despite being broke!? Damn...
I was sober for over a year. I worked like a maniac with a friend of 20 years; we managed to achieve a very hefty goal, beyond our wildest dreams. I was a working horse (creating everything) and he was a "political force" (connections) and the result was mind-bogglingly great. During the process of working (for free) I met a fantastic woman who fall in love with me, despite my abject poverty. She had seen a potential in me, and in the project we've worked on and she supported me. I even owe her some money, she put in to enable me to work, sometimes virtually 24/7
At the end, as I said, we succeeded.
Than he screwed me over the money!?! He did not pay me for work. He did not share the profit with me. As a result, she wasn't able to cope with the another bout of poverty, terrified over a perspective I would - a grown up man - end up needing more of her $$ just to survive so she left me. Who'd blame her...
So, I relapsed.
I can't really drink anymore. I was one of these guys needing 20 - 30 vodkas in the morning just to stop shaking (decades ago) and was a highly functioning alcoholic, having an enormous tolerance for the booze, also quite successful for the most of my life. But this is since long gone; now I could have only 4 - 5 beers and be drunk, "content" with it. Alas, these 4 - 5 beers would result in me being viciously sick the next day(s) and severely depressed even longer.
Nevertheless, despite me being able to stop the viscous cycle and enter my 9th day of sobriety again, I can't think of anything but that drink today?
And mind you, I'm totally broke, like in penniless. I struggle mighty to get a gig or two, just to put me through the month and yet, I think of going to the bar and drink on a tab for the owner knows and trusts me??
Insane, I know. During the year of being sober I totally forgotten how crazy, painful, powerful this disease is...
Not sure I would not go and drink today. Damn...