Terry it sounds like you are well on your way on the journey of recovery. And yes, although my addicted loved one was my son, I had my heels dug in deep and I really had to break too before I surrendered. How odd that seems today, I don't even allow "small upsets" today without addressing them right away.
My son has been missing for 9 years, lost in his addiction somewhere, and people often ask me why I don't search for him like I used to do. Like you, when I am tempted I play the tape all the way through and the answer is always.."and when I find him, then what?'
Only the mother of an addict would understand that. I don't try to explain it to friends who remain friends because they don't ask.
The best thing you and I can do is to move forward and live our lives well, embracing each day and grateful to see the beauty each sunrise brings.
I admire you so much for going to school and following your dream. That will take you far, believing in yourself like that.
Hugs