Hello, I'm Trish, age 43 and I'm an alcoholic. Recovering.. White knuckling it.. lol I've been lurking quietly on the forums for the last week. lol I've been clean and sober for 50 days. I'm already seeing a change in myself and my attitude.
I hadn't been drinking long.. Since November of 2012 but I made up for the short time by drinking to the point of blackouts every day. I guess it was may when I admitted to myself that I had a problem and my life was unmanageable. I tried to quit on my own so I wouldn't have to tell anyone I had a problem. Of course they already knew but being an alcoholic, I didn't see that. Lol Big time denial. I thought I was good at keeping the secret.. I tried detoxing on my own and as you can imagine, it didn't go well. lol I can laugh about it now but detoxing alone for me was HELL!! I think I tried 2 or 3 other times as well and never made it to the next day. I had finally hit the point where I had to have it in me at all times to keep the tremors and sweats under control. I wanted help so bad I just couldn't admit to others I needed help. I felt I was letting everyone down. See my brother was an alcoholic and so was my father. I was supposed to be the strong one and not drink. It was a heavy burden when I started drinking. My mom had went through it with my brother and I really didn't want to her to have to go through it with me too.. Then I got arrested for disorderly conduct and my secret was out. I went into rehab and I was so glad. Rehab made me feel so strong and confident I enjoyed actually enjoyed being there. I was finally getting the help I I needed. I felt like I was in a protective bubble and I was going to kick this diseases ass.. Yeah right.. lol Delusions of grandeur. I was drinking within a week of release. I didn't go to meetings. I didn't do a damn thing to help myself. And the problems that were at the root of my drinking were still there. So I bargained with myself. If I could have just one drink everyday I would be fine. It took a big 2 days before I was bottles. With this relapse my blackouts were getting worse. I lost my phone and embarrassed myself and my adult children. I could see the anger and disappointment in their eyes. I felt shame and I still didn't stop. I have 4 children. 3 boys and 1 girl. And out of the 4, my beautiful daughter wouldn't give up on me even though she should have. And to say thank you, I passed out in a bar and my 21 year old daughter had peel me off the floor.. that was 2 weeks before I stopped drinking. And after that, I still drank. And then on August 14th everything changed. I passed out in front of the bar and an ambulance had to be called. I almost died that night. Alcohol poisoning. My blood alcohol was close to 5 and I'm a very petite woman. It was eyeopening. Spent 3 days in the hospital. And what was the first thing I did after I was released? I went and bought a bottle.. How sad and crazy is that? I think I had lost my mind. And I still wonder if the night I almost died, if maybe I really wanted to die. I don't remember much from that night. I know that I was in a bad place when I started drinking. I guess I will never know. So back to rehab I went. And this time I stayed for 18 days and would have stayed longer if I could have.. and now I am 50 days sober and loving it! I have found a bit of peace and my spirituality is growing. I still have bad days and cravings.. when that happens I go to a meeting. I feel happy. Go figure..lol
Sorry this is so long lol just had a lot to say I guess.
lol