My take is a bit different, but I have a similar situation I am dealing with my (r)ah. In my case I believe his behavior in my situation is about manipulation and control (covert). I have been struggling with this situation (don't want to hi-jack the thread) and have determined just recently to "get my own tools" so to speak. I think it will go a long way to see exactly how he reacts to my taking care of the situation on my own. I don't think it will be well received, but it is important to me to deal with this and put a stop to his controlling.
BTW - this behavior existed before sobriety.
I am not afraid of him or his reaction, but I have myself all tied up in knots about this situation (and have been for about a month). I have to do this for myself. To prove to myself I can - and for what ever reason - it terrifies me.
Book - go get your own tools - lol! and between google and youtube - you can pretty much accomplish anything you set your mind to!