Originally Posted by bruised ego
Haven't been back in a while.....while I can't say I'm sober, I've been pretty good of late. Not drinking half as much as I used to and I'm trying to slowing cut down and replace this bad behavior with good ones (dieting, exercise, finding new job, etc..).
I told my dh a few months ago I knew I had started getting too dependent on wine as a pain killer (physical pain where rx pills doc gave me didn't help). I knew it was bad......so I admitted it to him. He said he noticed and he was glad I knew I had to take action on this. All's well.
On Wednesday night, I had a little too much and when he called me on the phone, he said he knew I had been drinking, as I was slurring a bit. I said, yes, I had, it was a bad day at work and it was a mistake for me to try to soften the night with wine. All's well I thought.
We went for dinner tonight, and I ordered a glass of wine. We're talking and having a pleasant time...until the waitress came over and asked if we needed anything else? He put his hand on my wine glass and looked at me and said, "no more".
I was about to ask the waitress for a glass of water w/lime and this floored me. Told him after she left that was a mistake. If I was going to have another, I would. He said, "he wouldn't let me". ?????
It hit me ......a lot of the reason I do drink is for control and I was looking at someone who thought they could control me or my actions.
Quite an ephiphany for me. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I should explain further....in the one hour we were having dinner, he told me that I was old enough to be a grandmother *you're no spring chicken, was out of shape and needed more exercise and that I wasn't an important enough player in my career to be asked to go to a business meeting by my executives who were planning the trip. ?????????
I think I have some real thinking to do. I feel so negative about myself and can't allow someone else to destroy any self-esteem I have.
First thing I did when I got home was to pour a glass of wine. I'm sure it's my anger spilling out. I'm sorry for that.
I need to really think about where to go from here in my personal life.
Hey Bruised Ego,
I read your post with compassion and interest.
Seems there are two things going on here the way I see it.
One is knowing you drank to kill pain which meds did not help. (by the way that is wonderful that you have been taking the route of good diet, exercise and so on!)
Loved the fill the bottle with water and leave it in the fridge!
Second is I have to wonder why a dh during a one hr dinner would find it necessary to use words like "no spring chicken", (is he in shape by the way ?) and also the same age? plus comments about your importance at work etc......? of course that would make you feel more vulnerable at this early stage in your decision to better yourself and deal with the drinking.
My take is that no one else can be responsible for how much we drink or whether we drink and saying I wouldn't let you thus becomes quite superfluous. he may care a lot yes, but he can't control you only you can! and you seem to be on the right road here.
So I am sending you encouragement!!!!!
Ps..... I went out to go get some yummy healthy foods and a special dinner to make. Came home and found I wanted a glass of wine lol... had not bought any though. So while I chopped some veggies i thought of well why did I want one as I hadn't thought about it all day. Decided it was habit plus I like the look of wine in a crystal goblet. So what I did was get a glass out, fill it with yummy pomegranate juice (high in antioxidants etc and healthy!) and sipped that while I made dinner. And had the benefit of seeing that sparkle in the crystal lol.
Also as for the pain issue, have you thought of meditation, gentle tai chi or yoga or healing energy through qi gong? They can be very helpful!
Hugs,
Greenmeadow