I'm so sorry that you're struggling. I hope that the light switch goes on for you, telling you that an alcoholic life is so awful, so miserable, and a sober life so calm, peaceful and wonderful! And it's not as hard as you think! Put the drink down, and under no circumstances pick it up. It's arsenic, hemlock, cyanide. It's poison to you, and your body is needing less and less of it to react violently. You are soaking your internal organs in toxic waste! Do whatever you must to ensure that this substance does not cross your lips, and I promise you that your life will be infinitely better.