Haven't been back in a while.....while I can't say I'm sober, I've been pretty good of late. Not drinking half as much as I used to and I'm trying to slowing cut down and replace this bad behavior with good ones (dieting, exercise, finding new job, etc..).
I told my dh a few months ago I knew I had started getting too dependent on wine as a pain killer (physical pain where rx pills doc gave me didn't help). I knew it was bad......so I admitted it to him. He said he noticed and he was glad I knew I had to take action on this. All's well.
On Wednesday night, I had a little too much and when he called me on the phone, he said he knew I had been drinking, as I was slurring a bit. I said, yes, I had, it was a bad day at work and it was a mistake for me to try to soften the night with wine. All's well I thought.
We went for dinner tonight, and I ordered a glass of wine. We're talking and having a pleasant time...until the waitress came over and asked if we needed anything else? He put his hand on my wine glass and looked at me and said, "no more".
I was about to ask the waitress for a glass of water w/lime and this floored me. Told him after she left that was a mistake. If I was going to have another, I would. He said, "he wouldn't let me". ?????
It hit me ......a lot of the reason I do drink is for control and I was looking at someone who thought they could control me or my actions.
Quite an ephiphany for me. Hit me like a ton of bricks. I should explain further....in the one hour we were having dinner, he told me that I was old enough to be a grandmother *you're no spring chicken, was out of shape and needed more exercise and that I wasn't an important enough player in my career to be asked to go to a business meeting by my executives who were planning the trip. ?????????
I think I have some real thinking to do. I feel so negative about myself and can't allow someone else to destroy any self-esteem I have.
First thing I did when I got home was to pour a glass of wine. I'm sure it's my anger spilling out. I'm sorry for that.
I need to really think about where to go from here in my personal life.