flujays

Hi all. I haven't posted here in months. Not checking in on a daily basis was a big mistake. I'm back at square one. Hopefully this time I'll remember why I want to be sober and not pick up a drink. I'm so terribly anxious that I wake up at around 3am every morning hating myself for drinking again the night before when i told myself i wouldn't. Then i stare at the ceiling and cry. I'm terrified that I will not be able to get control of myself and I'll die. My children are 3 5 and 7 and i sit here at 5am weeping at the thought of them growing up without me. It was only 3 years ago that I was fit and well and running marathons. Nobody knows my turmoil but me. I'm a closet drinker and i hide it well. My marriage is in trouble and I don't want to tell my husband in case he uses it against me if we get a divorce. I just feel so terribly lonely and distraught. I drink a bottle of wine and a few beers most nights. When I was posting here 6 months ago i felt so much better and was able to stay sober for 2 weeks then I got complacent, stopped posting and thought, well i can have just one beer. Then it was on again. I know the support that is here, I just hope and pray I will be able to do it this time.