Lillamy, I am in a similar situation, but without the kids to raise.
Having grown up with an alcoholic father and psychotic mother, I think I learned as a child to always be on alert, and to watch for "the other shoe to drop". And it always did. It was just a matter of when, and what it would be this time.
Now, divorced since June and finally working out how to get out of my joint ownership of our house with my XAH, I am so much happier and living in so much more peace.
But often, especially when I am tired after doing too much for several previous days, or after dealing with my much recovered XAH, I have an emotional slip and go back into that highly worried, unreal state of mind. Then, although I know I've made rational choices to the best of my ability, I doubt everything I've done on my own. And I worry that doom will soon appear.
It's that hypervigilance and self-doubt that my childhood trained me to feel so well and my relationship with my husband reinforced and amplified. It's almost like a "default" setting on a phone; without being aware of the transition, I just go back to how I used to respond when I am stressed.
It takes some real hard thinking and sometimes a couple of days and a visit to my therapist to get back to living in what is real right now.
You worked so hard to get where you are, and you deserve EVERY good feeling about your life now. This is where you live. You are not crazy. You have lived with severe abuse and trauma in the past, and their effect can linger. You don't have to bring those old fears and terrors forward. You don't ever have to go back there, and neither do your children.
I'm reading a book by Dr. Peter Levine that is about releasing from trauma: In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness that might be helpful to you and your kids. It is really opening my eyes and helping me to heal from the PTSD.
I am beginning to think that I am not dealing with the aftermath of a divorce from an alcoholic husband as much anymore as I am trying to "re-set" my emotional responses after a lifetime of abuse and PTSD. I think it's a step forward, but it sure can be difficult. I am trying to truly absorb that my life now is mainly peaceful, fulfilling, and contented, and that the blips are just that blips - not a redefinition of my emotional life back into constant trauma.
ShootingStar1
ShootingStar1