Welcome Meg! I'm glad you found us. This is a wonderful place where we all understand each other. For this lifetime drinker, it was a miracle. Once I knew I wasn't alone I found the courage to change.
I'm glad you're taking a hard look at what alcohol has done to your life. I never wanted the party to end - it had once been so much fun and a nice escape. At the end of my drinking days, I tried to hold on to that feeling, but it was gone - and never coming back. I couldn't magically turn into a social drinker. Every time it got in my system there was an unpredictable outcome. As you said, you never know when you'll turn 'mean'. That's why I had to stop all together - I couldn't stand the uncertainty of it.
I'm sorry for the heartache you've experienced. I hope you will stay with us and continue to talk about your recovery. We care.