Lost custody of my children.
I have been divorced since 2009, and since, remarried a wonderful man. The divorce was inevitable for other reasons than my horrible drinking habits, but the drinking and my horrible behavior due to my drinking ultimately cost me the most consequential loss in my life. I am a mother of 2 children who are primarily with their father because of things I did that were horrible while I was drunk. I never harmed my children but I was not a capable mother. I never thought I would survive the loss. I still get dizzy every time I hear a child cry; from missing my own. I re-married shortly after my divorce to a man who is so different than my first husband but now my husband is my drinking buddy; an enabler; and I enable him, too. We have been married 3 years and over the last 6 months, I have increased my drinking due to life stresses and worries; had a couple of blackouts and was very unkind to my husband. I'm a mean drunk; but folks always say how sweet I am. And I am, I am a good person, but I'm a mean drunk. My husband is an alcoholic, as well; although he is not a mean drunk. He just drinks a lot of beer. We enjoy drinking. Except when I get mean, which I never know when that will happen. I quit drinking for 3 years while I was married to my first husband. The day I fell off the wagon was what lost me my kids. I have decided to stop, for good. I see a pattern, again. I love my husband so much. I do not want to hurt him. Or me; and most importantly, I do not want to jeopardize the allotment of precious time I do get with my sweet babies (ages 7 and 10) or any chance I may have in the future of getting more visitation with them. On my first date with my current husband, we drank in excess. What if I am not fun to him any more? What if I bore him. And my friends all drink. I can 't remember how I dealt with all of this before. I'm scared, but excited. I have a feeling that if I do not stop, something terrible will happen again. I think I am working on borrowed time. I have not gone to any meetings since I quit the first time. thanks for listening----- meg