quilterrific

Since I gave my brother the boot a couple days before my first post here, I've been educating myself about alcoholism and I've done a LOT of reading in the forums here. I'd like to hit an Al-Anon meeting at some point but my family is decidedly transportation challenged at present and it's not really an option for me so this site may be my only outside support for the forseeable future. I've been reading and reading all over the internet, and I squeezed in a trip to the public library day before yesterday. WOW... just WOW. I had no idea- I left out a lot of pertinent information in my first post, info that I thought not only had nothing to do with the situation at hand, I didn't think it was relevant to anything at all about my life. Turns out, when my A brother turned tables on me and started pointing out everything that's wrong with ME, he may have been right! Sadly for him, my working on MY issues isn't going to get him what he was aiming for when he suggested I get help.

First of all, my mother was an A from the time I was say 5 years old, when she divorced my extremely abusive father (who was raised by a violent drunk-I don't blame my father for being the way he is, but because he has turned into one of those people who spends his life hating people in the name of Jesus, I stopped talking to him years ago). I spent my entire childhood looking out for my lil brother in an extremely disfunctional situation. It's no wonder I had no idea how to set boundaries with him! I didn't know where I ended and he began! I've only just begun to learn about this, but all I can say is WOW... I always thought of myself as a fairly well adjusted person and when I thought about my mom, well, I'd get upset and so I'd stop thinking about her. Maybe that was my way of dealing with it, and maybe I just never really dealt with it at all. Oh-I should mention. Mom died in her early 40s as an indirect result of her long-standing alcoholism. Another health problem caused her to stop breathing for a couple minutes and according to the neurologist, if she hadn't been damaging her brain with alcohol for decades before the event, she likely would have been fine, or very close to it. Very long, sad story for another day. I did have the pleasure of spending a great deal of time with not one but two alcoholic stepfathers along the way... again, that's another post.

So at 18, I married... (insert drumroll here) an alcoholic and drug addict. Shocker, I know. I tried and I tried to fix him. I bailed him out of jail for DUI four damn times, had to pawn everything we owned to do it. My first marriage was a very VERY rough nine years full of infidelity and verbal abuse and my poor kids saw too much of it. But I finally got out when my oldest was nine yrs old and I never looked back. Met a new WONDERFUL guy and hubby and I have been together for 11 years and it's great. No fighting, no drama, and we have built a truly happy home for the kids. As I talk about how happy I am, I feel the need to knock on wood because I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I though it was normal for people to always be looking for potential trouble on the horizon. Now I know it's NOT. Oh- I should mention. After our divorce, my XAH died in his late 30s. Car accident. He was driving drunk AGAIN. I'm just grateful he didn't take any innocent people with him when he did himself in.

Anyway, after reading all I have and learning so much in such a short time (thank you ALL...) I now understand why I've put up with my brother's drinking for the last 5 years and only recently put him out of the house and handed HIS problem back to him. From as early as I can remember, there's always been an alcoholic in a major role in my life. It's amazing what you can get used to under those circumstances!!!! I had no idea how screwed up my whole life has been! Right now all I can do is laugh or I'm gonna cry... I spent HOURS reading thru the quacks and "normies" threads over the last week... And they brought to mind SO MANY experiences for me... I was on my phone browser and not logged in, otherwise I most likely would have posted about 50 of my own in those two threads. I just can't even say how much of a relief it is to KNOW... to understand where my own issues come from, to know that I'm NOT a freak, that the things that have gone thru my head over the years are normal for the situation.

I still waffle back and forth a lot, but for the most part, the guilt I felt at giving my brother the boot is gone. I found the book "Alcoholism Myths and Realities" by Doug Thorburn and inhaled it in one sitting. FABULOUS book! So many things I needed to know and I feel like I understand what's happening with my brother so much better. Sadly, I identify with some SR posters statements that they feel like they don't even know their As anymore, that someone else has taken over their loved one. For me, this feels like mourning. I feel like my brother is already gone. Someone I don't like and have no desire to be around has taken over my brother's body and is doing his best to ruin his life. And he doesn't mind taking us for the ride. It's sad. I still feel bad for him. I still wish I could fix him. But I now know that I can't. And what really sucks is that I don't think he can fix himself either. He's convinved that anxiety and depression are his only problems, he feels absolutely justified in supplementing his prescribed psych meds with alcohol "to calm his nerves", and with an excuse like that backed up by medical professionals, I don't see him ever recognizing the depth of his problem. He lives outside. Sleeps in his car. I don't know how he's doing laundry or showering. He only keeps his job so he can afford to drink. And he's ok with all of that, as long as it means he doesn't have to give up alcohol. Yeah. It's sad. It hurts to watch. BUT it's not my problem to fix. I've told him that as soon as he gets sober and starts working a program to stay that way, we can try to find some sort of familial relationship again. But as long as he continues to drink, I want nothing to do with him. It may sound cold, but I haven't listed a quarter of the twisted crap he's pulled in the last five years. My cup runneth over with someone else's insanity. Enough is enough. I still have a lot of work to do but I feel better than I did.

Anyway, at this point I'm just rambling. I just wanted to get on here and share what I've learned and say thank you for being here and offering advice when I needed it. And I'll probably need it again and again. But I might have something to share with someone else too at some point, and if I can help anyone else with this in even a small way, then well that's just a good day. Anyway, that's all for now. Thoughts, anyone? Sorry I'm so all over the place.