Hi, the desperation I see in your post has hit me hard; it reminds me so much of how I felt.
I feel crazy doing the very thing that is making me sick
That's exactly why alcoholism is do dangerous; we behave in a non-sensical way.
Would it be too difficult to do inpatient rehab? Outpatient didn't work for me. Are you seeing a counsellor at all? It seems you may need to deal with some emotional stuff that is underlying the alcohol problem. I wasn't able to stop drinking until I deal with my emotional traumas; everytime they came back to me it was too painful and I drank to numb that pain.
I really feel for you; you will find lots of support here, please reach out for it and use it